Let’s see if I can type this with one hand . . .

• Somnophilia – The fetish of watching people sleep. Catch some z’s.
• Hematolagnia – Blood fetishism. Quite dracula-esque.
• Dendrophilia – Sexual arousal from  . . . Trees. Yes, trees.
• Robosexuality – Attraction to robots. Danger Will Robinson!

Yes, for every item, act, or concept in existence, there seems to be a fetish associated with it. I’ve always found fetishes interesting, and I love to talk to people about their fetish. Sexuality is certainly more complex than “straight, gay, or bi.”

Recently I learned of a fetish that really threw me for a loop: “looning.” That’s the practice of playing with balloons . . . Sexually. Those who engage in such behaviors are called “looners.”

Here is an example site. In describing the benefits of membership, the site proudly declares:

You will see blow to pop, squeeze, sitting, riding, pins, blow explosions, popped balloons, stomping, balloon sex, balloon blowjobs, sitting to pop, squeezing to pop, playing with balloons and inflation videos.

I just ejaculated.

So I studied this for a bit, to try and figure out what exactly about balloons turns looners on. It certainly seems to revolve around the anticipation of it popping, and somehow the sexual tension of approaching orgasm is tied into the tension created by squeezing the balloon. At least, that’s my take. Here’s one brave soul explaining what makes balloons simply irresistible:

Hawt.

Yes, I’m poking fun. But truthfully I like this guy and the fact he has the guts to “come out.”

What gets me is the people who find activities like looning to be bizarre or perverse or appalling. Why would anyone care if someone likes to get off to popping balloons? How harmless could that be . . . Well, I suppose things could get a bit crazy at weddings and bar mitzvahs. But really, who gives a damn. Yet, there is an entire section of the population that just can’t stand when people use their jimmy for things other than missionary-position-procreation.

By the way, I don’t have a balloon fetish. I only like normal stuff, like dead corpses. Yay.

Popularity: 16%